"But I don't want to go among mad people." said Alice

*waves to the ether*

I need release on a fairly regular basis. I'm typically taking care of a small child all day, every day. Sometimes two children. My husband works hard, we're on opposite schedules and when we're home together the intimacy usually materializes as watching TV, having dinner, doing our own separate things in the same room. We don't have much of a sex life anymore, and I'm sad about that. I used to be pissed and now I think I've become so used to it that I've stopped seeing it as a personal assault. It's who we are now, and mostly what he is. Pretty needless when it comes to sex. He's just that laid back kind of guy.

And then there's me. I'm high maintenance, high stress and low self esteem all rolled into one. I'm still identifying as bisexual, although I think there's a good chance I'm gay and have thought so for a while. My husband has always known of my interest in women. I've never hidden that fact. I also like rough sex. Non-consensual play, bruising, nails, knives, submission, name calling, being told I'm a good girl. And I love daddy games... Ooooh, how I love them. He's a little puppy of a man. Sweet and cautious and really doesn't "get" how much I need this stuff to help the stress of life melt away. Sometimes he tries, and I appreciate it. It's cute. But that's all it is.

Enter my girlfriend of over a year. She's tall, very tall, big girl. Over six feet. She is dominant, yet like some big teddy bear at times. She likes tender touches, but loves bleeding nail scratches down her back. She loves me, caresses me and makes me call her daddy sometimes. And it works. My god, does it work. It's something I never knew I needed in a woman until I had it. Never knew that the guidance and lessons I have desired for so long could come in the form of a woman 7 years my junior. But it has.

My husband has known about her from the start, but I spare him the more candid and intimate details most of the time.

Anyway, that's that for now. I'm excited to start this journal as a way of keeping up with the present and my current state of mind and feelings, while examining my past in order to learn, heal and change.

An attempt at honesty, candid and graphic, behind cuts or not. I'll include pictures I find interesting (not of myself), an open look at my relationships, sex and the emotional euphoria as well as toll it takes on me. This journal is not safe for work, not safe for minors, not safe for those with weak constitutions. If you come across this and want to add me, leave me a comment and let me know why.

18 and over, please.

Enjoy!!